Woke up the same time as Tuesday. In the morning we had a dance puppet show that drama team attended. I had a special moment when I saw Nacci put a child on his shoulders, about seven other guys from Drama Team did it the same way. Afterwards, Drama Team did a show for the high school kids and the "Dancing Puppets" performed at another school; the last show of the trip.
Then we went to a beautiful mall with a gazillion police, I saw like 15 of them. We got gelato ice creme. I had "Fresas y chocoalmendras", strawberry and chocolate almond ice cream. Madelyn, Katelyn, and I walked through the mall, except for the low price of gelato, everything seemed priced at American prices.
We arrived back at 4:30pm at the camp, then I spent 2 hours in the pool. It was empty. The first hour, I sang (Never Give All the Heart by Smash cast, worship songs, etc.). Then Mrs. Dixon, a leader, came down for a swim and we discussed the trip thus far. Eventually, Dana, another leader, came down and talked with us from the side of the pool. We talked about the security team that Dana is in. Finding spiritual gifts, etc. Then 15 min before (7pm) dinner I got out from the pool, changed, and headed for the main pavilion.
When I arrived, dinner was ready yet so I figured I'd make conversation. I asked Bekah how drama went and she said, "A (Panamanian) boy got brave and kissed Noelle and I, you know, on the cheek." I was taken aback that she let a high school boy kiss her. "You didn't try to stop him?" I was exasperated. "What was I going to do, push him away?" She was ok with it. While I have always known her to push guys away, I never realized that she would ever let anyone in that close.
The "kiss" set me off. Somehow I just couldn't believe it. Reality was shattered. Bekah was not holding to her own principles about guys. No dating in high school. No best friends that are guys. Don't let a guy touch you. Keep your guard up at all times. While dinner was uneventful, my brain was digesting everything I knew about Bekah.
After dinner I couldn't help but watch her. Possessively, I tracked her movements and interactions. For the whole week I'd been aware that Nacci just couldn't keep his hands off of her. She may act like she doesn't want the attention, but it's evident to me that she enjoys his chase. Bekah is stringing him along. Every time Nacci touches her I want to put him in his place.
That evening, the majority of team leaders left to some random place to talk, and we had 2 organized games. Mafia, and a musical chairs type game. We make a circle of people boys and girls alternating around the circle with a boy and girl in the middle. When the music starts, the girls pull a boy's hand and they switch and boy pulls girl's hand to switch, when the music stops the people in the middle lose a life or they're ended from the game. That was the original idea, though most times we'd just keep playing. When the games started I looked for Bekah but she wasn't there. I was disappointed. After all, besides group activities there wasn't much time to spend together since she's in Drama Team and I'm in dance. When we were finishing our last game of Mafia before devotions Bekah came up to the main pavilion with Panamanian guy Daniel and Alex. With a pulse of jealousy I thought, "What was she doing with those guys?"
What is this feeling?
Suddenly, images of the past days passed by my eyes. From the very first day at camp she had been going with Alex and Daniel to the trampoline to talk and they'd hung out with each other at every possible moment. She was never good friends with Alex before, what changed? And Daniel, clearly he had another agenda. There was at least one time when I caught Daniel, Alex, and a few others talking in the guys dorm about what they knew about Bekah. Every amount of free time, no matter what hour, they were always at the trampoline talking.
I was jealous. While I don't do crushes, I've always thought myself to be "compatible" with her, but of course I really have just had a passive crush on her for like the last 2 years. Then that crush turned into a passionate jealousy! I'm now jealous for Bekah's time, affection, kindness, etc. Why must I feel like this now? Not only is it painful, but also it's depressing. Bekah will never look at me as a potential love interest ever. It's painful to watch her give the attention I desire to two guys that have never meant anything to her before this trip.
After the games, we had devotions and cake to celebrate Haleigh's Birthday, which I could barely even try to enjoy. Then I went back to my dorm in frustration. The realization sunk in that I'd never have a chance with her because she will never want me. If she had any interest of even being friends with me, then she would have made a point to show it.
After I walked in the dorm, I glanced in both dorm rooms, realized they were empty, and then I took a step into my room and said, "well this sucks." From the corner of my right eye, I saw Zach and Marykae peek their heads around the door, and I was a little embarrassed. She asked if I needed anyone to talk to or if I knew any "safe swear words." I told her that it was personal and that I didn't think the feelings would change until I got home. It sucks. From my questions I learned that Zach got dehydrated and was drinking Gatorade and water to replenish his system.
In my frustration, jealousy, and anger, I took a shower and then went to sleep a little after 12am. I was utterly alone. None of the other guys would be around till 1am at least. If only I actually had a best friend to confide in. With my social life in shambles and my nonexistent love life, I had no one to talk to.
The next morning I'd have sandwich duty on Thursday at 6am. Jealousy sucks sucks sucks... Jealousy has never been an emotion of had before, never to this extent. Love was never in this mix. While I wish I could claim to love her, there is no love without any kind of relationship. Knowing each other for our whole lives doesn't mean we know each other well.
